simonbillenness: (Default)
A friend of mine just had her mother as her friend on Facebook. Quelle horreur! It is such a disturbing situation that she had post about it on LiveJournal.

I'm so glad that my mother has only just discovered email as of a few months ago.

This happened a few years ago to another friend of mine. She was in college at the time.

Her mother actually called her once to ask her whom she had just updated to "in a relationship."

I have an observation about parents and sex. First of all, our parents never had sex. It is just inconceivable that they did. If we have kids, they will of course never have sex. You have to take that on faith ignoring the origin of any grandchildren.

The only conclusion one can draw from this observation is that sex always skips a generation.
simonbillenness: (Default)
On Wednesday, March 1st, 2006, in Annapolis at a hearing on a proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at American University, was requested to testify.

At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."
simonbillenness: (Default)
This year Ann and I hosted our first Oscars party.

Even though I only sent out an evite on Friday morning, fifteen people turned up on Sunday night. Turnout is good when you invite nearly 400 of your very closest friends.

Some people even dressed up. That earned them between one to three points depending on the level of their elegance and bling. They won additional points for each Oscar winner they correctly predicted.

My strategy for guessing the Oscar winners was to bet heavily on gay cowboys, paraplegics, penguins, and a certain claymation dog.

I also bet against King Kong in the view that, after Lord of the Rings, the Academy would not favor Peter Jackson so heavily again.

Sadly for me, "Crash" upstaged "Brokeback Mountain" and King Kong took away a couple of technical prizes. At least Grommit came through for me.

I remain verklempt that "Crash" won, of all things, "Best Screenplay" for its awfully contrived script. There is no God.

Nevertheless John Stewart was fun and our friends were excellent company. I'm sure we'll host another party next year.

Amused...

Feb. 27th, 2006 11:55 pm
simonbillenness: (Default)
Tikvah posted my schmutz story to the LJ community metaquotes.

I'm psyched to learn that several people found it amusing:
http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/4770964.html?view=70819476#t70819476
simonbillenness: (Default)
I couldn't help but share that Ash Wednesday posting.

I emailed it to a few friends. After some very positive feedback, I spruced it up some more and put it on my blog:
http://simonbillenness.blogspot.com/2006/02/ash-wednesday-etiquette.html

Here's how it now reads. (I'm going to roast in hell for this.)

=====================
Ash Wednesday Etiquette

When I moved to the United States in 1985, I spent my first few years in Albany, New York. Like many American cities, Albany is heavily Catholic.

1986 was my first experience of Ash Wednesday in a predominantly Catholic town. At the time, I was working as a teller at the headquarters of Albany Savings Bank. I remember serving a woman with a conspicuous dark grey stain on her forehead. I distinctly recall thinking that it was probably a stain that she accidently smudged on her face after reading a loose-inked newspaper.

To this day I am so glad that I did not remark on the stain.

With this in mind, I thought it important to try my hand at a little parody entitled:

Ash Wednesday Etiquette ... in Massachusetts

Here's the appropriate etiquette for this Wednesday when you meet total strangers in Southie or the North End of Boston with ash on their forehead.

Adopt a pleasant Jewish grandmotherly kind of voice. You know, like the character played by Mike Myers on "Coffee Tawk" on Saturday Night Live.

Smile at person with smudged forehead. Lick your thumb. Say in pleasant Jewish grandmotherly kind of voice: "Wait. There's some schmutz on your lovely face. Let me wipe that off you."

Use your spit-wetted thumb to try to erase the ash from stranger's forehead.

As you wipe your saliva on the person's forehead, say this: "You know you shouldn't be reading those messy free newspapers. That Metro newsprint gets all over your hands. Why don't you read a nice glossy magazine instead like Cosmo, The Advocate, or Vanity Fair? Or even a free paper, such as Bay Windows, that won't end up messing your clothes and face."

If the stranger has not run away, called the police, or assaulted you before you finish, finish by saying: "There! That's better! You have such a lovely face. You should meet my son/daughter/intersexed offspring (use whichever is appropriate). He/she is an accountant/doctor/dentist/fetish model/same-sex marriage activist."

Repeat with every forehead-smudged stranger as needed or until you are exorcised or have your arm broken.
simonbillenness: (Simon and Ann Kiss)
From a former Christian, here's appropriate etiquette for this Wednesday when you meet a total stranger with ash on their forehead.

Adopt a pleasant Jewish grandmotherly kind of voice. You know, like Mike Myers on "Coffee Tawk" on Saturday Night Live.

Smile at person with smudged forehead. Lick your thumb. Say in pleasant Jewish grandmother kind of voice: "Wait. There's some schmutz on your lovely face. Let me wipe that off you."

Use your spit-wetted thumb to try to erase ash from stranger's forehead.

As you wipe your saliva on the stranger's forehead, say this: "You know you should reading those messy newspapers. That newsprint gets all over your hands and everywhere. Why don't you read a nice glossy magazine instead like Cosmo, The Advocate, or Vanity Fair."

If the stranger has not run away, called the police or assaulted you before you finish, say: "There! That's better! You have such a lovely face. You should meet my son/daughter (use whichever is appropriate). He/she is an accountant/doctor/dentist/gay marriage activist."

Repeat with every forehead-smudged stranger as needed or until you are exorcised or have your arm broken.

February 2009

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